At my university there is apparently rumors going around about me and this is actually the first I have ever heard of rumors ever being spread about me. I can now say, it is rather frustrating than when false things are being said about you. The things being said runs along the lines that I am an attention seeker. This is a big blow for me because that word is part of the stigma and discrimination my illness usually gets.
With the chance there may be some who have not read my previous posts, I was diagnosed with major depression back in February of 2014. It was determined it was moderate grade. It wasn’t mild, nor was it considered severe. It was in the middle. They didn’t find the right medication for me till august of 2014. The spring semester of college was hard as I was facing my illness without the right medication. Depression is a horrible illness and hurts more than people can imagine. I would rather have physical pain then the emotional pain depression puts you through every day. It was hard. I would reach out to my friends trying to have someone listen to me and be able to express myself and not have to hide.
This past Friday I found out a girl I use to be rather close with and got into a conflict with this semester has been telling people, at least, since September I am an attention seeker. She has been saying, “She is an attention seeker, pretends to be nice, and only does sweet things to get attention. She also pushes her religion on people.” The people who are friends with me and have heard her have wanted to strangle her, because all the things she is saying is really untrue. She is telling lies. She is also ruining my reputation and making people I don’t even know think of me in a horrible way. She, to me, has back stabbed in the worst way possible. She was the first one I trusted at Saint Leo University with my secret and she betrayed my trust. She used the worst thing she could ever call me. She is no better than the other people who are ignorant of mental illness. If anything the fact she claims I am an attention seeker after I trusted her and she saw some of the things I went through shows she isn’t a very compassionate person. And I honestly have no idea where this person got these lies. I don’t know how she could think I am a faker since I go to the psychiatrist, counseling, and I am on medication. I don’t know how she thinks I only pretend to be nice. Sure, I have lost my patience with her and her unreliability and how she ignored me when I needed her, but I gave her plenty of chances. Asking me to be a doormat is outrageous. She also said I am manipulative, but I have no idea what she is talking about. All I ever did was express myself and never intended to manipulate her because of how I feel. However, I am sure though she is not a terrible enough person to say something and not think it is true. Therefore, in her mind she must think of me in this way, which hurts more because she is simply not telling lies. She regards me as a person I am not and we were rather close to each other. However, this is also good news too because there is still a large amount of good in her.
I find though in my mind, she may not be totally at fault. She may be influenced by her mother, and her mother has told her theses things are true about me even though I have only talked to her mother twice. I really hope this is the case, because the girl I knew back in the spring was not like this. She was not one to spread rumors and lie about someone. I’m trying to find a place in my heart not be angry and try to understand why she would do this. As someone who wants to please God, I am trying my hardest to swallow down my hurt and forgive her. It is definitely really hard, but no one said forgiving would be easy. What’s easy is taking revenge. What’s easy is confronting her about it and arguing with her. The hard road is to just let it go.
The course of action I have planned to take is to let her keep doing what she is doing. The only thing she is really accomplishing is making herself look like a fool when people actually get to know me and realize I am none of the things she says I am. She is also showing people what kind of person she seems to have become this semester. She has most defiantly changed. This very much worries me. The seemly pleasant girl I knew who seemed to have a big heart has changed. She has even ruined my chances of getting into Greek life at school because she tells her sisters these untrue thing about me. She seems to be hanging out the wrong people and be changing because of it.
The thing is, in general, the person spreading false rumors is really only causing harm to themselves. The people that matter will ignore the rumors and will get to know you. The friends that matter will stick around and want to defend you when someone tells lies about you. In a way it makes thing easier for me, though I will admit it does hurt that numerous people have this false perception about me now. However, it is what it is.
The only thing I can do since she seems to dislike me so much is to continue to mention her in my prayers. God tells us to pray for those who persecute us. And I will continue to do so even more. I really hope she comes to realize how terrible she is being and sees what she’s doing is wrong. I hope she sees that she is only making me want to hide more and making me regret ever opening up about what I was facing in the spring semester. This, I suppose, from my research is a typical reaction when you are accused of by someone you use to be close with to be an attention seeker, a fake, and manipulative. They say hurt people hurt people, so perhaps there is something hurting her so she is trying to hurt me.
In any case I hope, you, my followers will also keep her in your prayers for me and also pray for me that I may be able to fully forgive her even though I don’t understand why she dislikes me so much. My biggest regret right now is that I ever trusted her.
Digital image. We the Fighters. N.p., n.d. Web. 9 Dec. 2014. <http://depressedproblems.tumblr.com/image/50071588476>.
N.d. Web. 9 Dec. 2014. <http://notcrazyorg.tumblr.com/image/66731565864>.